The GRE subject test is over and I just feel depleted. I signed the thing that says you won’t tell what’s on the test, but honestly, moments after I was done, I remembered almost nothing of what I’d just been through anyway. I just know it’s done. I’ve been dreading this test for months, even knowing that it will not be the deciding factor for grad school – pretty much every part of my application is more important than this – but it was a necessary step, an unpleasant one, and it’s over.
I celebrated with a box of chocolate truffles. Normally I’d celebrate with yarn, but I think my stash has reached a point where I’m not comfortable adding to it unless I make a more serious dent. I still have one more Sweater Club shipment coming from Madelinetosh next month (Sweater Club was my graduation present to myself) and I’ve calculated that I have something like seven sweaters worth of yarn right now in addition to all my smaller quantities, so, you know, time to work with the massive amount I already have. Especially since I’m applying to grad schools. In an ideal world, I get into a great school close to home and we don’t have to move, but there’s a very real possibility of a fairly massive relocation in the next year, so having less stuff would be a plus. (Although I know from experience that yarn is swell for packing around delicates in a move, should you be planning one yourself.)
I have been having some bearable but very tiring flare-ups from my Ehlers-Danlos syndrome of late, and I’m thinking I need to go easy on myself for a while. I’ll be starting on my application essay on Monday, to be refined over the next few weeks, and I still have plenty to do, but I’m not going to do a lot beyond what absolutely must be done. Mild flare-ups are manageable. A major flare-up would not be, and I’ve had one of those recently enough to be really cautious. I threw out a small part of my lower back, but the pain was astonishing. I can only compare it to labor pains, and for more than a week, any shift in position was accompanied by them. Ehlers-Danlos is not progressive, and I do not normally dread the future, but those pains were bad enough that I found myself thinking that I couldn’t imagine a life where that was the norm, and fearing that it would become that. I’m pretty motivated to avoid anything that bad again. I’ve thrown out my hip multiple times, which severely hindering my walking, but did not hurt very much after the first instance. I’ve dislocated my ribs a bunch of times, which is uniquely alarming, because the body goes on high alert without your input once it thinks the heart and lungs are in danger. I don’t like those things, and I’ll work to avoid them, but I’ve never had anything that was quite as bad as this lower back deal.
Anyway, that’s where I’m at. I’m so glad to be done with the test, and so tired at once. I will get back to knitting stuff soon, but for now, I’m going to take a little time to just sort of exist.